With the last decade almost completely lost in our collective rear view mirrors, I wanted to share what I’ve found to be a common companion for people in the last decade, and during most of the New Year resolution exercises; it’s what we set ourselves up for: deep-Regret.
Everywhere and everything is seen, felt and integrated through the lie of deep-Regret. “I should have…”, “Why did I…?”, “That was a huge mistake”. deep-Regret even sneaks in when we say “Next time, I’ll do better/be better/push harder” as if what you did, or how you did it wasn’t good enough.
Living with deep-Regret is an exhausting mental loop that eats away at everything you’ve done right (news flash, unless you’re purposely harming someone, for absolutely no reason at all, it’s ALL right). Living with deep-Regret dims all of the beauty, mastery, and courage you exhibited in moments of decision making, where no matter what you chose, someone was going to be unhappy about it.
deep-Regret is a story we believe to be true. Our minds revel in it while our hearts grieve in it. deep-Regret comes in moments of perceived error, when we question our intuition, in those obsessive thoughts at 3AM, and in our collective habit of “year in review” that happens right as families go back home, while we barrel our way towards a New Year, and we don’t know what day it is. deep-Regret thrives there.
deep-Regret hooks you into believing that you should have acted differently. It keeps Self-grace quiet, beaten down, and in a corner. It isolates you, and would have you believe that you shouldn’t do anything because you’ll only fuck it up anyway. But you need her. You need self-Grace. You need to not be so.damned.hard.on.yourself. You’re always doing the best you can. Even when the best you can muster is sitting in darkness allowing your eyes to feel their way around the shapes that eventually show themselves (with time and patience). That’s self-Grace.
When you put yourself in the drivers seat, and make your soul, your heart, and your inner child the priority. That is self-Grace. When you make decisions from that self-prioritized space, that is self-Grace.
When you pause in the midst of thoughts run amok, and whisper to yourself “You’re doing the best you can” while loosening your grip around the thing, that is self-Grace.
When before bed you look at all the good in your life, even if that’s taking three deep breaths, or smiling at yourself in the mirror for three deep seconds, that is self-Grace.
Putting the word “self” before “Grace” is done with intent. So many times we externalize that which is good. We run the program that we aren’t good, therefore good comes from other, from outside of ourselves: “grant me the Grace” “give me Grace”, “I need Grace”.
I saw something the other day that explained how you are a walking altar of magic. How everything you need to summon magic is within you.
Your bones are made of minerals and are quite literally the structure with which your whole body hangs – EARTH.
The fluids that make up 70% of you, and flows like rivers through your veins and organs – WATER.
Your lungs that pump the vital life force without you even thinking about it – AIR.
Your brain is a grid of electricity and your blood is warm – FIRE.
Your soul, essence, consciousness, whatever you call it – SPIRIT.
You are all of the elements, contained. In Kundalini, they are the first five Tattvas. We wield these elements naturally, and we walk around with deep-Regret? There’s no room for it.
In 2020, deep-Regret is no longer necessary because living in alignment with what is right for you is the new story. Living in your truth gives deep-Regret no breeding ground. Because every decision you make will be through the prism of what is good for you, supported by the self-Grace of knowing you are doing the very best you can with what you have, and know to be true, when those times of crisis come.
So with that, I regret to inform you, that self-Grace won’t be sitting in a corner, beaten and afraid. In this year, of the fourth card of the tarot, the Emperor card, ruled by the Zodiac sign of Aries (2020 2+0+2+0=4), an archetype that is the embodiment of birth and birthright, of taking up space, of understanding inherently, that you deserve to be heard, seen and known, deep-Regret can kiss your ass.
If you’d like to work on mastering your magic, the elements within you, I highly recommend Kirtan Kriya. I was randomly given this Kriya by my teacher as part of the practicum portion of my teacher training. I’m continually humbled by how this Kriya found me.
If you’d like to learn more about The Emperor, the sign of Aries that rules the card, and the energy around this archetype, listen to this podcast from Tarot for the Wild Soul by Lindsay Mack, or consider her offering, The Threshold that delves deeper into this archetype through journaling, tarot, and ritual.
I am passionate about sharing what I learn with you so that you may live with more self-awareness, agency, and of course, self-Grace. Wishing you all of it and more in 2020, and as my wife jokingly says “to infinity and beyond”!