Tomorrow I teach my very first Kundalini class. I am subbing for a dear friend, and was touched she would even ask me.
When you teach, you build a relationship through the teachings to your students. She is sharing that special bond with me.
Betty, that sweet thang that I am marrying in 8 days, asked me if I am ready. I paused and thought am I ready?
Immediately I heard myself whisper the thought, Will I ever be ready? No. But I don’t give myself the option. I am doing it.
I never allow myself the option to dwell on readiness. Once I commit – the readiness – whether it’s there or not, has to catch up to my doing-ness. I wonder if that’s true for others. I tend to place myself in the action of things (hello, Aries ascendant!). I visualize myself doing the thing, whatever it is, and that minimizes the fear of actually doing it. It’s how I was able to sing and perform opera in front of loads of people over the course of my life, apply for jobs that I knew I wasn’t qualified for, go back to school a few times because I had to get it done, tell Betty that I love her and had to be with her, however that looked.
Close friends have told me that they could never think of going for anything beyond their reach, and I guess, I don’t live like anything is beyond my reach. We only get to do this life thing, with this consciousness, once.
I know that everyone makes mistakes, just like everyone cries, laughs, and uses the bathroom. It’s all part of the human experience!!
There are drawbacks, for sure, to this method of living. Anxiety dreams are one. I can’t tell you how many dreams I’ve had where I am on stage and forget what I am supposed to sing, and just stand there with bright lights in my face, unable to see anything at all!
I never really know how I am going to land. I’ve certainly missed a few landings, and some missed landings took an exceptionally long time to realize that they were 100% wrong. Those realizations are not easy to wade through, and regret is something I grapple with.
Yes, me too.
I try to remind myself that the past and the future are points in time that don’t exist, and I should be grateful for every miss-take and every missed landing because, I stuck the most important ones: finding Betty, and sharing the rest of my life with hers, raising our three boys, mothering our 4 dogs, AND all the Kundalini yoga.
So yeah, maybe I am ready.
Wish me luck.
Sat Nam and all that good stuff,
That Kundalini Girl
P.S. If you live in the Lehigh Valley area and would like to come to class, send me a message. I’d be thrilled to give you more details.
P.P.S. I’m getting married in 8 DAYS! Wahe Guru!