I Am a Teacher

I graduated Level 1 Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training this weekend at Kundalini Yoga East.

I’ll always be a little Sat Nam, and a little go f*ck yourself.

The incubation time was about 8 months. I say incubation because I feel that’s what it was. For a couple of weekends a month, I shared space with 17 other souls experiencing their own singular journey.

We were guided by caregivers that were firm, interested, curious, and prepared to withstand the shaking of worlds they knew we would go withstand. This process changes you. More than physical, it changes your perspective, deepens your awareness, fast tracks your intuition, and you’re left with no other choice but to accept it’s invitation because you know you’ll be kept up throughout and on the other side. You’re given everything you need for this seismic shift in every dark, cobwebbed, conveniently hidden, part of you.

I experienced more than my share of world shaking and my teachers were there with an understanding ear, compassionate heart, words of wisdom, and of course, tissue. They are also very practical.

Our beloved Angad cutting our celebratory cake.

During meditation this weekend, I heard my subconscious whisper to me that these teachings place you on a private journey that taps into collective energy. I wouldn’t call it an experience of oneness as some have. In that revelatory whisper, I was separate but one, when I chose to be, when I needed to be. During meditation I can tap into the collective and receive support. 

Feedback time from Angad and Simran

One weekend in November, my classmates literally held me as I whimpered that I wanted a divorce. One by one, they sat near me, and placed a hand on my back as I sobbed at the release of it. No one said anything, our guides didn’t stop the moment. Our guides held the space for the collective to gather, and support the individual who cried out. I’ll never forget that day, or the very special bond cemented in those that reached out to me in that tender space. 

Singing our ending song: May the Long Time Sun

I learned how to breathe into and out of painful memories, and times. I learned how to love, and to be aware of how I was being loved in return. I learned how to pause and investigate, return patience over, and again. Aside from the postures, terminology, history, lineage, vocabulary and structures, I learned how to be more authentically human. I realized more clearly that I am softer, and also stronger than I thought I was. 

On the day of graduation we were all allowed to share something, if we felt called. True to every weekend we all spent together, I went first. What may have looked like bravery to my classmates during our time together, was really a push through fear every time. Every time I volunteered to go first, speak first, share first, move first, it was because if I didn’t, I never would. I would never get the thoughts out of my body, and they would remain dormant, held in, forgotten. I didn’t want to live in the darkness of silence anymore. 

Guides over my shoulders. Wahe Guru!

I shared how much they helped me by seeing me, genuinely caring for me, and allowing me to be myself. I never felt as if I had to hide behind the mask of superficiality. No. Everything was not ok. No. I’m not smiling.

Their honesty vibrated to me that it wasn’t necessary to wear a mask as I so often do. That I was safe. I could feel it, their genuine compassion was palpable in the room. On this journey, this rebirth, what was meant for me appeared, like the stars at night. Visible, mystical, sometimes hidden, but always beautiful. What was no longer meant for me, unravelled quickly. Usually, in my life, these things happened of their own accord. I would watch silently as things came and went. 

Gotta get a picture with Guru Ram Das and some yoga blocks. You just have to.

During teacher training, I was gifted the awareness to consciously choose. This awareness has provided me with a quiet courage at my ability and confidence to choose for me and that is nothing short of a miracle. I’ve always compromised myself to choose what others wanted, and convince myself to accept the choice even if my intuition was screaming to run. Living in interaction I felt safer keeping everyone content and avoided supporting my boundaries. If I’m really honest, I never had any until Kundalini.

I reconnected with the woman who is now to be my wife. We share a life of intimacy steeped in honesty, and a connection that we both know is older than this lifetime. Many, many lifetimes. She was with me when I graduated. She was and is such a symbol of my refinement, my transformation, the reclamation of my body, goodness, truth. Speaking as a graduate to my classmates and guides was an overwhelmingly powerful moment in that day. And yes, it was recorded. Yogi Bhajan must have whispered to Vedya Amrita, whom I lovingly call “The Beyonce of Kundalini” because she glows and radiates like an intergalactic superstar, that I needed, and would want to keep that memory.

I understand now so much more than I had before and know there is more to come. I have Kundalini yoga teacher training to thank, and my guides here on this earth at Kundalini Yoga East: Angad, Vedya Amrita, Harkamal, Agochar, Simran, Sat Jivan Singh and all of my classmates, who are now my spiritual family. It is bittersweet knowing that I won’t have another weekend to share space with them, but I know they are with me every time I close my eyes, focus on my brow point and vibrate the mantra, Sat Nam. The Golden Chain is strong with us.

Sat Nam.

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